Mutual Respect

Posted: January 23, 2023

By: Wesley - Nomadic Polymath

Let us begin with some definitions: mutual - held in common by two or more parties, respect - due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others. With that lets, establish that mutual respect is commonly held due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of two or more parties. You respect me, I respect you, we respect each other; simple base to build any relationship on. Interestingly enough, that's not often a base that is used foundationally to structure any sort of dynamic between two people, it's sometimes a threshold that barely gets met. It's surprising the stark difference in quality there is when a relationship is formed around the notion it's a starting point or the notion it's not even the bare minimum. Can you guess which one might be healthier?

In a recent conversation with a dear friend of mine I finally connected some dots that clicked into place a more complete image of a growing patterned in my romantic ventures up to now. There are multiple dimensions to this culmination of insights making way for a breakthrough. Two prominent dots that were joined was a so obvious I missed it kind of connection; they were thought of in two different categories, yet, combined served as the foundation to what was then my romantic future and is now part of the its history. The person who took my virginity was also the first person to rape me.

Allow me to clarify some things that would help convey a better understanding of the significance of that connection being drawn. Unlike some of the scenarios where the person who took someone's virginity is also their rapist, the two events were not the same. Meaning, I consensually lost my virginity to someone, then later in the relationship they violated my consent and raped me. It wasn't until years after that I even began to acknowledge the consent violation ever happened, and it wasn't until now, some 14 years later, that I'm seeing the impact such a betrayal of trust has had on my approach to intimacy.

As is common place, I youthfully suppressed the violation from my immediate thought and emotional states. I remember it clear as if it were yesterday, even how I responded afterwards. My mind and body of my past self knew what needed to happen and executed on a strategy that removed that person from my life rather quickly, then promptly buried the entire thing for some future self to sort through. It wasn't until I inadvertently victim blamed someone else that I realized how much internalized shame I had around what happened and how I had been victim blaming myself as a means to coup. It wasn't until now that I had the epiphany that made sense of my inner workings on romance and intimacy.

With frequent moves before the age of 18, picture what it takes to be in eight different school districts in K12 education, I formed a habit that would make attachments intense yet not so tightly coupled. A real deep dive into an experience that often forges unbreakable attachment tied to an ability that enables detachment from the sense of permanence to any of it. This internal wiring to lean towards attachment free enjoyment of life was formed early in my development. I witnessed many times in a sizable chunk of my formative years that nothing ever lasts, so why not embrace it while it does?

Even before I crossed paths with the person who is at the root of my intimacy based traumas, I had begun to adapt the survival tactic of detachment. It was easily employed on detaching from that of breach of trust, especially with someone who I shared a big portion of myself with for the first time. To rationalize it and keep on moving, I minimalized it. I spun it into a philosophy that wove detachment into intimacy, this often gets identified as attachment avoidant. Here's where my brain has formed a cut off switch into my operations, as soon as an attachment I have with someone affords them the feeling they have freedom to violate mutual respect I'm pretty quick to detach from that bond. That's not avoiding attachments, as in being uncomfortable with intimacy, it's a recognition that if mutual respect can't even be achieved then intimacy becomes dangerous.

Knowing how we tend to react to the world around us gives us a greater ability to become less reactionary. We can exert some modicum of control over our reactions, allows us to act instead of react to life and going-ons of the world. In the pursuit of bettering one's self, knowing these traits and internalized agreements positions us to either grow out of them or redefine them to suit our new environments and situations that we find ourselves in now versus when those habits were formed. On a journey to enlightenment mutual respect of self is just as crucial as the mutual respect we share with non-self.